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First Week of Class

First week of class always means standing up in class and saying your name, where you’re from and your favorite movie.   When I was in elementary school we had to say our favorite ice cream flavor.   I remember waiting and waiting for it to be my turn.  I would be thinking about what would be a cool favorite ice cream flavor, sort of listening to the other kids to hear what responses they gave and how they were received.  I would be thinking “I should say vanilla.  No.  Chocolate chip cookie dough.  No, sherbet (except I didn’t know how to pronounce sherbet.  I still don’t.  Is the “t” silent?  Is there actually an “r” in it, like “sherbert?” Does anybody know how to pronounce sherbet?”) Then it would be my turn to say something and I wouldn’t be ready.  I would shout something like, “I DON’T HAVE A FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR! PLEASE DON’T HURT ME!”  and then sort of hunch over, trembling.

I thought that by the time I was a senior in college I wouldn’t do this anymore.   The first day of class this year I stood up, I totally forgot what I was supposed to say, and started shaking.

“Uh, what was I supposed to say again?”  I said in an embarrassing squeaky voice.

“Your name and your favorite movie.” said the teacher (“like every class for the past 4 years, dumb-ass,” she was probably thinking.)

And I said my favorite movie was Videodrome.

Why did I say that?  That’s like saying I like pornography and I watch it every night.

Everybody else chose something cool, edgy but not too edgy, like “Pulp Fiction.”  There is a very fine range of movies that you can say and people won’t think you’re cheesy or psychopathic.  Like you can say “Clockwork Orange,” but you can’t say “The Notebook” because that’s stupid, and you can’t say “Kids” because that’s psychopathic.  That’s why Kubrick and Tarantino are such popular directors – they make the perfect kind of movies for students to say they like on the first day of class.

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The Dangers of Driving Naked (plagiarized from About.com)

Although nudity-related traffic fatalities have been on the decline in recent years, the certainty of highway deaths due to naked drivers is so predictable each holiday period that many state highway patrol departments issue highway fatality “projections” each year that will turn out to be uncanningly accurate
(note: uncanningly is a word derived from greek “un” meaning underwear, and canningly, meaning putting things in jars.)

Ignoring the Warnings

Despite all the warnings and efforts by law enforcement agencies across the nation people still get behind the wheel of their vehicles while naked.

nudity-related accidents are so prevalent, an estimated 40 percent of all persons in the United States will be involved in a traffic mishap blamed on being naked at some point in their lives (either them or the driver).

How Dangerous Is Driving Naked?

A driver with exposed skin 10% or greater is seven times more likely to be involved in a fatal motor vehicle crash than is a driver who is wearing a bag over his head, and a driver wearing only briefs is about 25 times more likely to cause an accident than a driver wearing boxers.

Basically, the more naked you are, the more likely you are to have an accident, and a fatal one. The same rule applies for the likelihood of not getting a job. Here’s the cold hard facts:

More Likely to Have a Crash

A 160-pound person who takes off 50% of his clothes within an hour would probably have a surface area of exposed skin well below the legal limits of driving naked, but is still 1.4 times more likely to have an accident than someone who is wearing a burkah (Saudi Arabian women aren’t allowed to drive anyway)

If he is wearing briefs? The likelihood of an accident goes up almost tenfold.

Nothing but a g-string?  The likelihood of having an accident is now 48 times higher than the theoretical burkah-wearing driver.

Naked drivers of motorcycles are 1,300% more likely to cause accidents than drivers wearing normal clothes, but 2% less likely to cause accidents than motorcycle drivers wearing nun-habits.

Play It Smart

Play it smart during weekends and holidays. If you plan to party away from home (because you can’t exactly hold parties in your parents’ basement can you?)– and this includes orgies held on the water or in airplanes — be sure to appoint a clothed driver for the car or operator of the boat. Whatever you do, don’t get behind the wheel if you’re naked.